Monday, February 28, 2011

Friday, February 25, 2011

Nobody's perfect



Jessie J: Nobody's Perfect
When I'm nervous I have this thing yeah I talk too much
Sometimes I just can't shut the hell up
It's like I need to tell someone anyone who'll listen
And that's where I seem to fuck up, yeah
I forget about the consequences, for a minute there I lose my senses
And in the heat of the moment my mouth's starts going the words start flowing

But I never meant to hurt you, I know it's time that i learnt to
Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved
This is a lesson learnt , I hate that I let you down and I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around cause now I'm the one that's hurting yeah
And I hate that I made you think that the trust we had is broken
So don't tell me you can't forgive me
Cause nobody's perfect, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nobodys perfect


If i could turn back the hands of time
I swear I never wanna cross that line
I should of kept it between us but no I went and told the whole world how I feel and oh
So I sit and I realise with these tears falling from my eyes
I gotta change if I wanna keep you forever
Promise that I'm gonna try

But I never meant to hurt you, i know it's time that i learn to
Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved
This is a lesson learnt and I hate that I let you down and I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around cause now I'm the one that's hurting yeah
And I hate that I made you think that the trust we had is broken


So don't tell me you can't forgive me
Cause nobody's perfect, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,nobody's perfect


Im Not a saint no not at all, but what I did it wasn't cool
But I swear that I'll never do that again to you
I'm not a saint, no not at all, but what I did it wasn't cool
but i swear that ill never do that again to you.
I hate that I let you down, and I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around cause now I'm the one that's hurting yeah
And I hate that I made you think that that the trust we had is broken
So don't tell me you can't forgive me
Cause nobody's perfect, no,

And I hate that I let you down and i feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around and I'm the one that's hurting, yeah
And I hate that I made you think that the trust we had is broken
So don't tell me you can't forgive me
Cause nobody's perfect. yeah yeah
dont tell me, dont tell me
no,no
you cant forgive
no
because nobodys perfect

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Dole-ites

Some people in England really are happy living on benefits and believe life is better there, even though they never work.

http://bit.ly/dJiMsX
A SHOPAHOLIC scrounger refuses to get a job because her partying means she can’t get out of bed in the morning.

Champagne-swigging wannabe model Kaycie Yates says she is already out living her WAG dream on government handouts.


Despite walking out of 11 jobs, Kaycie – branded the Cheryl Cole of Reading – lives in a luxury £240,000 flat and spends £1,200 a month on make-up, clothes, hair extensions and nights out.


The 20-year-old gets £800 from the state every month which includes housing benefit, council tax benefits and Job Seekers’ Allowance. And her mum tops this income up with an extra £1,200 a month from her own savings.


It means Kaycie spends most of her time living the life of a celebrity, filling her days sleeping late, watching Jeremy Kyle on daytime TV and caring for her pet Chihuahua Princess.


The scrounger, who left school with four GCSEs, is exposed in a new BBC3 series called Working Girls.


It teams work-shy babes up with successful business women to try to get them away from a life of benefits.


But defiant Kaycie says it’s the Government that is to blame.


She insisted: “I’m not a scrounger. But the Government’s making it easy for me to claim benefits and my mum loves spoiling me.


“I’d like a job, but it’s hard to find something I enjoy that will pay for the life I want to live.


“I’ve tried working in shops but I walked out of four or five jobs because I had to get up too early or I got bored.


“I want a job, but part time would be better so I can keep my benefits.”


Kaycie admits to feeling guilty for taking taxpayers’ money, but argues that it is not her fault. She added: “I’m stuck in a benefits cycle.


“If I got a full-time job I’d be working 50 hours just to pay my bills.


“I do worry about mum making sacrifices for me.


“She does go without things like getting her nails done and having her car serviced to make sure I have things. I

was spoilt growing up. If I wanted it, I got it. Everyone deserves to have nice things, including me.”


Charlotte Linacre of the Taxpayers Alliance, said: “It’s totally unfair that hard- working taxpayers fund self-confessed benefit addicts.”


In the show, one of Kaycie’s mentors is Carina Svendsen, general manager for the five-star Missoni Hotel in Edinburgh.


Viewers will see how Kaycie copes with cleaning the bedrooms and washing up.


Working Girls starts on March 3.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Distances

Distance is no obstacle, but time is. The time between the past and present grows ever further minute by minute, day by day, month by month. The gulf widens like a boat setting out to sea, there comes a point when the distance is too far to swim back.The chasm widens, the point of no return is reached.The distance becomes absolute in space, time and ultimately emotionally.

Black Coffee


Monday, February 21, 2011

Velvet divorce

Better the devil you know?

The impact of the revolutions? Authoritarian secular Arab states morphing into Islamic and fundamentalist Islamic states on Europe's doorstep. Think Iraq, think Algeria, but a stone's throw from Italy and Spain. The number of refugees could be overwhelming. Oil supplies disrupted, foreign companies expelled. Libya and Morrocco are most at risk, Benghazi in Libya has already been declared a sovereign Islamic state. We can hope that the people will not accept one prohibitive government to replace the last one, but as has already happened religious zealots often have the loudest voices and the biggest guns. Revolutions are often hijacked, let's hope these are not.In the end though, the people themselves may choose religious states democratically. The reach of the extremists may become uncomfortably close.

Chris Mercer

Monday, February 14, 2011

Roses are red, violets are blue, fuck Valentines day, and fuck you too!

Friday, February 11, 2011

More nonsense

Top Tips
SAVE money this Valentine's Day by leading a life of crippling loneliness.

Top Tips
WANKING over photos of your mother in law is not a way of showing your wife you'll still find her attractive in old age. Apparently.

Top Tips
BLOKES. Discover what it's really like to have a baby by phoning in sick for a year to watch Jeremy Kyle.

Top Tips
SEND CONDOLENCES via SMS to save time e.g. ROFG (rolling on floor, grieving).


Top Tips
FOOTBALL FANS. Save money on a Sky subscription by employing a court artist to sketch the action whilst listening to the radio.

Top Tips
HOUSEWIVES. Behind the toilet is not a good place to store your dainty basket of toilet rolls.
Top Tips
ENJOY the Cash for Gold experience by posting me a £50 note and receiving a £5 note in return.

Top Tips
OBITUARY pages in local papers often act as a preview for upcoming job openings.
Top Tips
DAILY MAIL readers. Club together for a flux capacitor and fuck off back to the good old days.

Top Tips
WARNING. Come Dine with Me Down Under is not what you think. It's just a cooking show based in Australia.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Kung Hei Fat Choi

恭喜發財
;
Happy Chinese New Year from Hong Kong

40 years (Cheers Giles)

MARRIED FORTY YEARS

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch". The man perks up.

"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife"?

"Yes I have", says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision"?

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision"? asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen".

Tax-(cheers Giles and Jason)

Apparently, this is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply!




Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday..

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue