Tiger's florid yet impersonal apology
How sorry can one person be? We get it, Tiger. You're sorry. Any other business?
You could use words such as "cowed" and "broken" about Tiger Woods, but that would make him sound as if he was on the spectrum of normal. He started off normal – he was pretty solemn as he took the podium, but that's podiums for you. A light-hearted person talks sitting down. As soon as Woods started talking, though, he looked like an internet video of a kidnapped person who's about to be executed by terrorists. Haunted, beseeching, desperate yet impersonal – all he needed was some armed men standing behind him in balaclavas. Immediately, I'm thinking, it was only sex. It wasn't cruelty to animals. Or have I fallen into a cunning trap?
"I am aware of the pain my behaviour has caused to those of you in this room," he started. Well, up to a point … pain is a strong word, for the experience of realising a golfer is promiscuous. If we're going to call that pain, we might have to make up a new word for actual pain. He went on to make a list of all the people he could conceivably have hurt, starting with his wife, and ending, somewhat expansively, with the millions of young people that he reaches. It was like an Oscar acceptance speech, only better. Apology has so much more going for it than gratitude. Wouldn't it be cool if Oscar winners had to publicly atone, before they were given their statue?
But moving on – Tiger, he'd like to make plain, has seen the truth. "I know, I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I have done the things I did." Well, steady on, chap, I think most of us can imagine how an international sportsperson might want to … Oh… hang on, it's all starting to make sense. "It's hard to admit that I need help, but I do. For 45 days I was in inpatient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I am facing." He's been 12-stepped, or however many steps there are when it's sex addiction (one step back and two steps forward?). That's the first thing they drum into you – you have to apologise, sincerely, to everybody you know who might have met you in your addicted period. You can't be seen to be making light of it, but in the case of sex (rather than, say, heroin), you do then run the risk of maybe having got things a tiny bit out of proportion. "Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all those families a special apology." Sort of … but I'm not sure that they pointed to him as a moral role model. How would that conversation even go? "Son, when you grow up, I want you to stay faithful to your wife, and not shag around. Be like Tiger Woods."
Even as he spread-eagled himself on the ground, writhing about in shame, I thought I detected, not insincerity, exactly, but maybe a bit of apology fatigue. "I was wrong, I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules, the same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me." He sounded as if he had zoned out a bit, as if he was reading out the rules of a sport. But, you know, it was all such a florid display of sorriness, even if he wasn't properly sorry, it feels as though the sorry-penalty has been so huge, his sincerity isn't even the point any more. No amount of contrition could possibly be as grim as having to say sorry, this many times, to this many people.
So, anyway, we get it, he's sorry. Any other business? One thing, he hopes one day to be able to support "others who are seeking help". Huh. Weird. Do they have to be sex addicts, or can it be anybody who's getting ready to be really, really sorry? He will return to golf, perhaps this year, when he's learned to make his behaviour more "respectful of the game". But how much respect does golf need? If it wants more respect, it might want to consider bigger balls.
And one more thing: "I have a lot to atone for."
With that, he stepped down, approached a lady in the front row, gave her a hug. It went on for ages. I thought for a second he might have accidentally … oh no, it's his mum. Phew. Tiger Woods is properly sorry.
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