Top Tips

Top Tips

FACEBOOK USERS. Ensure your 'friends' are aware that you're being 'funny' with the addition of ten exclamation marks.

Top Tips

DAVE CAMERON. Avoid spunking two million quid up the wall on a happiness of the nation survey. We're all skint and pissed off.

Top Tips

STUDENT PROTESTORS. Remember: don't start breaking windows until photographers have formed an orderly semi-circle behind you.

Top Tips

SAVE time wrapping presents this Christmas by buying everyone you love long grey cardboard tubes.

Top Tips

PARENTS. Avoid scarring your children when watching violent movies by blindfolding them and locking them in a cupboard.

Top Tips

A BUILDERS' PORTALOO makes an ideal Tardis for strong-stomached kids.

Top Tips

TRAIN COMPANIES. Simply suffix your train times with '-ish' to avoid so many complaints.

Top Tips

BBC. Increase viewing figures for 'Later with Jools Holland' by broadcasting it earlier and with a different presenter.

Top Tips

HARRY POTTER FANS. Avoid a costly cinema trip to see the latest film by reading the book and creating the images in your mind.

Top Tips

A BOTTLE of shampoo is an excellent substitute for a pork pie. At least, according to Tesco Online shopping, it is.

Top Tips

PREVENT ornamental fish ponds freezing up this winter by filling them hourly with boiling water.

Top Tips

TRAMPS. Avoid being 'moved on' by investing in a tiny union jack and moving your sleeping bag to The Mall for the next 6mths.

Top Tips

ROYAL ENGAGED COUPLES. Do us all a favour and nip off to Vegas this weekend for a quickie wedding by an Elvis lookalike.

Top Tips

PREVENT your biscuit beaking and falling into your tea by wrapping tightly in cling film before dunking.

Top Tips

PENSIONERS. Rejoice. The thought of a lovely Royal Wedding will keep you warm this winter.

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DAILY EXPRESS EDITORS: Why not contact Diana via a medium to see how delighted she is? Or make it up. Either way I don't care.

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SAVE yourself a trip to Birmingham; go round a roundabout for 2 hours, then have a curry while Noddy Holder's on Radio 2.

Top Tips

TRICK people into thinking you're a time-traveller by buying clothes in Middlesbrough.

Top Tips

POLICE. Trouble identifying the troublesome student protesters? Put the images on Facebook. They'll tag themselves.

Top Tips

BANK ROBBERS. If you & your 'crew' have trouble telling each other apart when wearing ski-masks, then simply wear name badges.

Top Tips

METROPOLITAN police. Disperse the students immediately by threatening them with a long lecture.

Top Tips

DAVID Cameron. Whilst in China enquire as to how best to deal with student protests.

Top Tips

STUDENTS. While in London, head over to watch West Ham lose later, see how a real angry mob works.

Top Tips

OAP's. Phone doesn't ring as often these days? Pop a 'How's my Driving?' sticker on your car for hours of 'lively' chat.

Top Tips

CONVINCE people you are mentally ill by going out in the freezing cold in the middle of the night to queue for a computer game.

Top Tips

SAVE money on celebrity autobiographies by kidnapping them, locking them in a room and getting them to tell you their life story.

Top Tips-DAVE CAMERON. Avoid spunking two million quid up the wall on a happiness of the nation survey. We're all skint and pissed off.

Top Tips-GEORDIE GIRLS. The weather this weekend will be the perfect opportunity to test drive your short dresses and 5 inch heels.

Top Tips-JAMES BLUNT. Revive your career by remixing your biggest hit and offering to sing it at Bernard Matthew's funeral.

Top Tips-SEE what it's like to 'live life in a goldfish bowl' by filling your house with murky water and plastic castles.