Nonsense

Classifeeds
NICE HORSE available. Unwanted gift, just don't look in the face. Collection only

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COMMUTERS. Turn your boring train journey into a madcap crime caper by not buying a valid ticket.


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SUPERMARKETS. Add a personal touch to self-checkout machines by assigning a member of staff to assist.


DCALTWIT-My dyslexic girlfriend loves Dildo Baggins

wikiballs The Ancient Olympics featured a "Speed Penis Cleaning" competition which was cancelled due to the amount of wankers it attracted.

DCALTWIT -WOW! Just got a scary text from g/f - "I've got something difficult to tell you and I don't know how to say it - Ken Dodds dads dog's died"


DCALTWIT My mate's dating twins and has difficulty telling them apart - I don't know why, Julie is the blonde and Trevor is the one with a cock


Classifeeds
Single M 49 seeks attractive F 23-27 to come round and finish the ironing. And a cup of tea would be nice while you're up.

Classifeeds
MEN avoid the embarrassment of premature ejaculation by falling asleep before sex.

Classifeeds
THINKING of travelling abroad to "find yourself"? Let me save you three years: you're a cunt.

Classifeeds
NICE HORSE available. Unwanted gift, just don't look in the face. Collection only

Classifeeds
MONOPOLY: 2011 Edition. Almost impossible to buy a house; the money stays with the bank, and the jail is full.

Classifeeds
Lost, one dog with no legs, but good swimmer. Answers to the name of 'Clever Dick'
Classifeeds
FOR SALE: Bonnie Tyler's car. It runs ok but every now and then it falls apart.

Classifeeds
DOG KENNEL, Approx 80' long x 40' tall. Suit medium sized dog. £60. 01907 338 4999, if dog answers, hang up.


Classifeeds
RACIST? But racist in a nice way? We meet every week at the Village Hall in Bannock, Bannock Nice Nazis Guild. Almost all welcome


Classifeeds M - 37, looking for pussy. Her name is Tibbles, have you seen her? If so, please get in touch.

Classifeeds LOST. Copy of this morning's 'Metro' newspaper. Left it on the tube at about 8.30 am. £25 reward. Tel: 07941 309 0999.

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FACEBOOK USERS. Negate the privacy risks by posting only drivel and toss. /via

Classifeeds
REQUIRED IMMEDIATELY someone skilled at opening bags of peanut.. Oh bollocks!.. someone skilled at hoovering.

Classifeeds
AVAILABLE FOR HIRE. Sign Language expert. Felt my input in last job was falling on deaf ears. Call, er, text me.

Classifeeds
WANTED; managerial job at a Premiership club that aren't sh*t or run by porn barrons. Contact M.O'Neill

Classifeeds
PET LOVER Friendly F, 37, recently widowed, seeks fit, lively alert M, 35-45 with no fear of commitment or lions.

Classifeeds
For sale, one car with a full tank of petrol, will swap for detached house in Chelsea or kensington.

Classifeeds
FOR SALE 5,000 copies of Guess Who? The Burkha Edition. I got them from a contact in France where it was banned