Exactly ten years ago next week, I flew to the Philippines for the birth of my eldest son. My wife was in the Philippines because she had been told to leave Hong Kong when she was 5 and a half months pregnant by immigration, because of her previous domestic helper visa..That problem took me a year to resolve, but resolve it I did. I had to choose when to leave Hong Kong carefully as I didn't want to miss the birth, but at the same time it was difficult running 2 homes at the same time. I flew out on Thursday, my wife was taken into hospital on Friday and my son was born on Saturday, not bad timing. It was a long difficult labour, 14 hours followed by an emergency caesarian, which I had to sign for, as my wife was determined to have a natural birth even if it killed her, which the doctors assured me it would.
All of this was relatively easy for me compared to my wife, but it was stressful nevertheless.
I was the first to hold our son after the nurses as my wife was too sick. That moment was by far the best moment of my life, two years later I only got to meet my second son the morning after he was born, as I was taking care of the eldest.
The moment I held that little alien in my arms, my life felt complete. It was a good 48 hours before my wife was able to hold our son properly, although we did lay him on her whilst holding him. I had bought a number of 'guide' books to help us, but of course Lola(grandma) was also there to guide us. I stayed there for a month HANDWASHING nappies, shopping, cooking and cleaning. It broke my heart when I had to return to Hong Kong, and I returned twice more during the coming months.
6 months later I managed to bring us all back together in Hong Kong.
During these 10 years I believe I have been as doting and loving a father as any father can be. From nursery rhymes, songs, dancing, playing to hiking, camping, swimming, football, homework reading and of course discipline. We have lived in many places and wandered too much, but I have always worked except for a few months in the UK. My son was put through 2 private kindergartens and even a year in a private school, which I admit financially was a disaster, but worth it in the end. Life can be a struggle with 2 young kids, which it was at times, not because of the kids, but because of the usual financial pressures, which in the end were just as bad as anyone else's. I am not perfect, but who is, but my devotion to my boys has never been questioned.
The role of a father pails in comparison to that of a mother, and the amount of work and the relationship a mother has with her children is immeasurable. Due to the limited work opportunities available to Filipinos in Hong Kong, and the lack of decent childcare, it was necessary for my wife to be a full-time mother, except for a 4 month period in 2009.
What I never ever dreamt of happening on that day 10 years ago was that the day would come when I would no longer be able to hold my son, or hug him or kiss him, see him or even speak to him.
As I have found though, a father's position is a precarious one.
I find it astounding that because of a breakdown in the relationship between my wife and I, my role as a father can be taken away. Although those same problems were minor ones as problems go, differences in opinion about work and money, (who is right is irrelevant , the main thrust simply being who should work? With both of us wanting to work) the consequences have been dire.
My sons being 7,000 miles away in the UK doesn’t help, but with today's technology, continued contact should not be a problem.
I have lived in Hong Kong for 18 years, I met my wife here, and my youngest son was born here. My work, my career is here. There had never been any agreement to relocate to the UK permanently, I left the UK because I couldn't stand living there. I have lived longer in Hong Kong than I have in England.
At this time I only know, my sons are in England, where I don't know. All contact has stopped. My wife took the boys out of their school, to god knows where. The boys were very happy at that school, and I had always agreed that they should stay in England until they had graduated from that (primary)school. They have been there almost 2 years, and my son only has one more year before he goes to secondary school. Now he has to complete his final year in a new school. I am 7000 miles away. I am powerless.
Never could I have foreseen this day 10 years ago.
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